Blessed.

Bismillahirahmanirahim.

Alhamdulillah for a sweet weekend to celebrate our beloved sister's birthday.
The lady who went through storms before me, who is my father's darling daughter, who is my mother's bestfriend and confidante, who is a victim of me and my brother's irritating play.

We have grown so much that weekends are no longer spent as a five, as a three. 2016 has been testing me on my patience and emotions.

Missing my siblings whenever they're out with their fiance, missing siblings time. Bonding with them since we were young defo left a great effect on me. So great that sometimes i want them to just me.
But ive to live with how things are right now. It's okay, in Shaa Allah, all is well.

Ya Allah, Ya Rabbi,
Youve blessed me with a great childhood, with a lot of fond memories of me with my family.
Youve blessed me with a loving family. Syukur Alhamdulillah for them ya Rabb.
Keep them safe wherever they may be. Bless them with happiness. Cast a smile on them whenever theyre down. When im not around, give them strength to brave through storms. Grant them everlasting happiness, for theyve given my happiness all my life. Protect them, for theyve been so protective of me. Love them, for theyve loved me.

May the bond we have lasts till Jannatul Firdaus. Only death can do us apart, usrati.

Dear Ibu Ayah...

Dear Ibu and Ayah,

You might never read this if i didn't post it anywhere.
But if you do, I see you checking up on your youngest daughter. Not complaining though, because least i know you care about me so much. Hehe.

Anyway, I'm not sure if you've seen it at your social media or not, your friends' posting about their children graduation, or just some stranger whom you came across his/her post because of their child's spectacular performance.

Two words: I'm Sorry.

I'm sorry if I wont be making you so proud like that because one; i'm not achieving good results and two; I'm not going to graduate with honours. Really sorry if you hoped i would, because honestly this course isn't for me. I'm going through this because I'm at the last year, and my second last sem. It's too wasted if i back out now. I'll try to be better this sem, but no promises alright?

I might not be making you proud this time round, even though I wanted to like how i did for Alevels. I hope Alevels was enough to make you proud for the longest time possible. This degree will just be a normal degree. But In Shaa Allah, I won't stop pursuing for greater things. It's just this time round, I'll not be making you so so so soooo proud.

I'm already struggling now, but you're my pillar of strength. I will make it through with your love and support. In Shaa Allah, to a brighter future for 3 of us.

Hmm..

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Hmm..
I'm not sure if I would want to post this in my blog, or somewhere only I can read it.
This is something I don't really quite like to share it with everyone or even, anyone. It's something very personal to me. But i'm not sure.

This could be the most sincere post I ever posted here. But let's see how it goes.

A few weeks ago, I was in a whirlwind of emotions. One thing happened after another.
I was lost. Deep in my thoughts, my emotions, myself. I was unsure of everything that happened to me.

First it was results that quite pulled me down, because I failed one module. I saw my results when I was in KL, right when I was about to start shopping, then I saw this 'F' grade when every other module I had the grade I wanted. Totally pulled me down.
I asked, am I really this bad in Economics? Because I don't know. Some modules I scored damn well. But some just wouldn't make it. And then I asked, why am i even doing this? I could have switched to another course sometime in Year 1. But why am I still holding on to Economics, when I'm pretty sure I get stressed every single time a new semester starts?

Then i found a voice in my head that told myself (haha, i think it was just me trying to convince myself). "How bad could this be?" "It's just one module, nur" "It's not like you got kicked out of uni".
Yeap, that was me convincing myself.

Then another voice whispered my very favourite quote "Allah does not burden a soul more than it can bear" - Quran 2:286. 
Still feeling unconvinced with my above voice, this quote smacked me right in the heart and brain. I'm here for a reason. I am in uni for a reason. Allah already made it easy for me that I don't have to pay a single cent for my tuition fees, so I'm definitely meant for this. Failing a module was just a phase I had to go through. Maybe I didn't want to fail, but maybe Allah wanted me to. So i could prepare myself more, and excel in the same module next time. He wanted me to do it again. Maybe He wanted to give me a chance so I could score an A for it. Maybe...Who knows? He knows. I know
not.

I'm feeling this way because I'm not used to failing. I'm not used to falling below my own expectations. Then again, maybe it's time for me to lower my own expectations of myself. I expected too high. This is dunya. We were meant to fail at some point of our lives. If we could all continuously excel, be happy with ourselves, then what would Jannah be? Were we not told that Jannah is where everlasting happiness existed? So why did I expect myself to keep rising up the ladder here, when we were meant to slip off it someday? Why did I feel so disappointed then? So i got back up, carried my unhappy shoulders back up, with every positivity I have in myself.

Then I told myself. I'll be fine. If it becomes so bad, I would just graduate later than I planned to (but, I'm still hoping I could make it by May '17 In Shaa Allah, but! Allah is indeed the Best of all planners.)

That was life then. When I came back to Singapore, another set of thoughts came in, another round of rollercoaster emotions set in.

I don't quite show it, but I do get pressured when everytime I go out, anybody I met who engaged in conversations with Mum, asked me when's my turn to tie the knot/to engage/to get a boyfriend.
It's actually not a big deal to me, really. Because one, I definitely hold on to my belief: When Allah knows you're ready for the responsibility of commitment, He will reveal the right person under the right circumstances. But, it gets pretty much annoying, pressurizing. It's not like I don't want to, it's just that things don't just happen. Everybody wants the most memorable thing to happen in their life. To get married. It sure is everybody's goal when you reach the age where everyone around you are getting hitched.

It definitely is still "too early" for me to think about this and all. But it's hard to brush the thought off when everybody - i mean every single soul whom I met with my Mum, who engages a conversation with us, who asks about my siblings' wedding - ask the same question over and over again. It gets annoying because it could really bring down your self-esteem okay? Am i not worth it? Like who wouldn't want to get married right? I want to. But am i ready for it? Maybe not yet. Do I have a lot more to learn? I sure do.

All the makcik-pakcik, I am very happy for you if your son/daughter already got calon, got off the "market". But, please spare some thoughts on people like me whose heart's too fragile, still needs a lot of work to care for. If you could tell yourself, "ajal maut ditangan Tuhan", why can't you also remind yourself that "jodoh pertemuan kerja Allah"? Tolonglah, makcik-pakcik. I stress you buat I macam gini. 

I'm not dwelling over the fact that I'm still single. Cause I'm not. While I'm still happy that I'm single, means I'm not involved in Haraam relationships, it's just that sometimes, we humans have a certain level of patience that we can withstand, and the question on "Faqirah bila lagi?" is getting a little way out of hand. Even though the makcik-pakcik won't be reading this, it's okay. I just needed to put this out there, off my chest. Trust me, I'm doing my best to prep myself for my own future.
#KakakAbangNakKahwinAkuYangStress

Look, Mum, my 12am thoughts. Hmm...Hahaha.

Goodnight.

It could have been what it should have been...

I'm always that person who wish things would be the same in my life. 

That I would be saved from all these people leaving me, people pointing fingers at me, people changing their attitude towards me, like as if my feelings didn't matter at all. 

But truth be told, change is inevitable. 

And I fell victim to the change that I totally didn't want it to happen. 

It could have been what it should have been if only I was more sensitive to others' feelings. 

It could have been what it should have been if only people were more sensitive to my feelings.

It could have been what it should have been if only we were all more sensitive to everybody else. 

Well, it could have been. 

I tried, but I'm tired. 

Tired of everything that happened, tired of making things right, tired of giving in, tired of sacrificing my happiness for another's. 

Tired of being used to "help" others solve their problems. 

"Help" because I didn't want to do it, i was forced to do it. 

For everything i "helped" out with, I wasn't appreciated. 

I was used. 

I didn't mind helping, if at least I was appreciated.

I didn't mind giving in, if at least I was appreciated.

I didn't mind making things right, if at least I could feel appreciated. 

I didn't mind sacrificing my happiness for another's, if at least I could feel appreciated. 

I wasn't. I didn't. 

Scared? Positivity.

Assalamu'alaikum.

Hmmm. Despite my "motivational" input in my previous post, as 2016 comes to the second month, I've grown to fear more of the unknown.

I'm scared of what the future holds for me.
I'm scared of who will be the next person to leave me forever.
I'm scared of how Y2S2 would be.
I'm scared of which would greet me first, death or success.
I'm scared.
I'm just scared of the next moment that will happen in my life.

But I guess, it's normal to feel this way. Isn't it?
Sometimes, I think too much, too hard into the future, that it scares every inch of me.

Then, there's always this phrase that will always give me the strength and courage to face the now. "Kun Faya Kun": Be, and it is! That for whatever that will happen next, it's all predestined. And that Allah destines the best for us. Because Allah wants something to happen in your life, so it happened. And because of this, always trust Allah. He is the best planner of all planners. And yes, what remains is to do your best, and tawakkal ilallah. Just leave the rest to Allah, and trust Him. In Shaa Allah, it'll be fine.
And that's how you get the ever-positive Nur Faqirah. I try my very best to be optimistic. Well, we all need that positive vibe around us. So yea, trust Allah because you know, He only wants the best for us. In Shaa Allah, Amiin!

Okay, now, I need to get done with my Y2S2, so i need to do my assignments! Hahaha. Goodnight!