Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Hmm..
I'm not sure if I would want to post this in my blog, or somewhere only I can read it.
This is something I don't really quite like to share it with everyone or even, anyone. It's something very personal to me. But i'm not sure.
This could be the most sincere post I ever posted here. But let's see how it goes.
A few weeks ago, I was in a whirlwind of emotions. One thing happened after another.
I was lost. Deep in my thoughts, my emotions, myself. I was unsure of everything that happened to me.
First it was results that quite pulled me down, because I failed one module. I saw my results when I was in KL, right when I was about to start shopping, then I saw this 'F' grade when every other module I had the grade I wanted. Totally pulled me down.
I asked, am I really this bad in Economics? Because I don't know. Some modules I scored damn well. But some just wouldn't make it. And then I asked, why am i even doing this? I could have switched to another course sometime in Year 1. But why am I still holding on to Economics, when I'm pretty sure I get stressed every single time a new semester starts?
Then i found a voice in my head that told myself (haha, i think it was just me trying to convince myself). "How bad could this be?" "It's just one module, nur" "It's not like you got kicked out of uni".
Yeap, that was me convincing myself.
Then another voice whispered my very favourite quote "Allah does not burden a soul more than it can bear" - Quran 2:286.
Still feeling unconvinced with my above voice, this quote smacked me right in the heart and brain. I'm here for a reason. I am in uni for a reason. Allah already made it easy for me that I don't have to pay a single cent for my tuition fees, so I'm definitely meant for this. Failing a module was just a phase I had to go through. Maybe I didn't want to fail, but maybe Allah wanted me to. So i could prepare myself more, and excel in the same module next time. He wanted me to do it again. Maybe He wanted to give me a chance so I could score an A for it. Maybe...Who knows? He knows. I know
not.
I'm feeling this way because I'm not used to failing. I'm not used to falling below my own expectations. Then again, maybe it's time for me to lower my own expectations of myself. I expected too high. This is dunya. We were meant to fail at some point of our lives. If we could all continuously excel, be happy with ourselves, then what would Jannah be? Were we not told that Jannah is where everlasting happiness existed? So why did I expect myself to keep rising up the ladder here, when we were meant to slip off it someday? Why did I feel so disappointed then? So i got back up, carried my unhappy shoulders back up, with every positivity I have in myself.
Then I told myself. I'll be fine. If it becomes so bad, I would just graduate later than I planned to (but, I'm still hoping I could make it by May '17 In Shaa Allah, but! Allah is indeed the Best of all planners.)
That was life then. When I came back to Singapore, another set of thoughts came in, another round of rollercoaster emotions set in.
I don't quite show it, but I do get pressured when everytime I go out, anybody I met who engaged in conversations with Mum, asked me when's my turn to tie the knot/to engage/to get a boyfriend.
It's actually not a big deal to me, really. Because one, I definitely hold on to my belief: When Allah knows you're ready for the responsibility of commitment, He will reveal the right person under the right circumstances. But, it gets pretty much annoying, pressurizing. It's not like I don't want to, it's just that things don't just happen. Everybody wants the most memorable thing to happen in their life. To get married. It sure is everybody's goal when you reach the age where everyone around you are getting hitched.
It definitely is still "too early" for me to think about this and all. But it's hard to brush the thought off when everybody - i mean every single soul whom I met with my Mum, who engages a conversation with us, who asks about my siblings' wedding - ask the same question over and over again. It gets annoying because it could really bring down your self-esteem okay? Am i not worth it? Like who wouldn't want to get married right? I want to. But am i ready for it? Maybe not yet. Do I have a lot more to learn? I sure do.
All the makcik-pakcik, I am very happy for you if your son/daughter already got calon, got off the "market". But, please spare some thoughts on people like me whose heart's too fragile, still needs a lot of work to care for. If you could tell yourself, "ajal maut ditangan Tuhan", why can't you also remind yourself that "jodoh pertemuan kerja Allah"? Tolonglah, makcik-pakcik. I stress you buat I macam gini.
I'm not dwelling over the fact that I'm still single. Cause I'm not. While I'm still happy that I'm single, means I'm not involved in Haraam relationships, it's just that sometimes, we humans have a certain level of patience that we can withstand, and the question on "Faqirah bila lagi?" is getting a little way out of hand. Even though the makcik-pakcik won't be reading this, it's okay. I just needed to put this out there, off my chest. Trust me, I'm doing my best to prep myself for my own future.
#KakakAbangNakKahwinAkuYangStress
Look, Mum, my 12am thoughts. Hmm...Hahaha.
Goodnight.